The youngest and oldest U. S. Secretary of Defense ever in his two separate terms, Donald Rumsfeld serves under George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. He is shown to be sadistic, taking delight in the murder of the 9/11 Truth website director, though it was later shown to be fictional. Rumsfeld is also greedy, rubbing his hands together at the mention of money.
- "He died like a pig, heheh." (Mystery of the Urinal Deuce)