Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy
Cartman is honored with the chance to be South Park Elementary's Hall Monitor -- an opportunity which he embraces by morphing himself into a clone of Dog the Bounty Hunter, complete with beard and an ever-present can of bear mace. Minutes later, he's roaming the hallways, ferociously looking for any acts of "hallway infractions." He finds one soon enough, in the form of a crayon-scribbled love note from Ike to his hot kindergarten teacher, Ms. Stephenson. But it seems that Ike's love is not just one-sided. During a montage sequence, we see Ike and Ms. Stephenson having dinner, watching a sunset, and then lying in bed together, disheveled after a round of "incredible sex." To provide cover for their affair, Ms. Stephenson decides to "tutor" Ike privately at her home. However, Kyle quickly discovers what's really going on when he goes to pick up his brother and catches the two lovers taking a bath together. He's shocked not only by the relationship, but by the fact that Ike is a more-than-willing participant. Not knowing where to turn, he reports the crime to the police but finds that they're more titillated than concerned.
When Kyle mentions to Cartman that his brother and the teacher often sneak into the hallways to make out (a clear violation of the rules), Cartman jolts to action. He surprises the couple, maces Ms. Stephenson and drags them to the principal's office. Outraged, Principal Victoria alerts the police and the media. But things don't work out as planned. Most of the town sees Ike not as a victim, but as an extraordinarily lucky little boy. Ike tells Kyle he's "dead to him." And Ms. Stephenson (who blames her behavior on alcoholism) gets an absurdly short stint in rehab before being released. Once freed she goes immediately to the Broflovski home, takes Ike, and flees with him to the Airport Hilton, where they await a flight to Milan. But Cartman, furious that Ms. Stephenson got away with violating hall pass rules, assembles a crack team of bounty hunters and tracks them down. Kyle joins him and they raid the hotel, spraying mace on pretty much everyone in sight. Ike and Ms. Stephenson hear this commotion and flee, and after a bear-mace-filled chase, everyone winds up on the roof. Realizing that their love will never be fully realized in this world, Ms. Stephenson plans to jump to her death with Ike. But Kyle pleads with his brother to live his life, have fun, and then "ruin it by having a serious relationship." Ms. Stephenson and Ike run hand-in-hand towards the edge and jump -- but Ike, at the last moment, changes his mind and runs to Kyle. Ms. Stephenson falls to her death. Cartman wraps things up by saying, "I hope you've learned, kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement."
What I Learned Today
"I know your first love seems like the only love, but trust me it's not. You have so much life ahead of you."
- "I don't tell you how to run your class. Don't tell me how to run my hallway." (Cartman)
- "Hey there Mr. Weiner, whaddya know? Do you need to tinkle tinkle? Yes I do think so." (Butters)
- "We need to track this student down and give him his Luckiest Boy in America Medal right away!" (Sergeant Yates)
- "You just dealt with the Dog, bitch." (Cartman)
- "You're dead to me, Kyle." (Ike)
- "Dammit, where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?" (Sergeant Yates)
- "HALL PASS! SHOW ME YOUR HALL PASS!!" (Cartman)
- "Alright, cool bra. Go with Christ." (Cartman)
- "Ike made a no no!" (Ike)
- "When we make love, he can give it to me hard, or soft and gentle." (Ms. Stephenson)
- "Nice " (Numerous People and Cops)
- "The case is shocking due mostly to the fact that the teacher is pretty hot." (News Reporter)
Ms. Stephenson. She jumps off the roof of a hotel after making a suicide pact with Ike -- a pact Ike opts out of at the last minute. Cartman also takes great liberties with his Hallway Monitor status, beating up, arresting, and bear-macing countless students and civilians.
Cartman gets super bad-ass with his guitar-charged Hallway Monitor theme song, "I Am The Dog." The song is reprised towards the end, featuring new lyrics for Dog's crew.
Behind The Scenes
Where Did The Idea Come From
Trey was a big fan of the TV show Dog the Bounty Hunter. Cartman had been slated to play Dog in "Die Hippie, Die" and "Mystery of the Urinal Deuce", but it didn't quite work out. The Ike/Ms. Stephenson affair drew from the media hype surrounding several scandals involving female teachers having sexual relationships with their young male students.
Pop Culture References
During a montage that shows the development of the relationship between Ike and Ms. Stephenson, the REO Speedwagon song "Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" plays in the background. Later, the sexual classic "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band plays in Ms. Stephenson's home. When Kyle is about to spill the beans to his mother about his little brother's affair, Ike interrupts, screaming "SPIDERMAN! SPACE MAN!!"
When the teacher tries to escape punishment by claiming she's an alcoholic, Cartman says she's using "the Mel Gibson defense." This refers to his infamous DUI stop, after which he blamed alcohol for the anti-Semitic remarks he made to the arresting officers. Duane "Dog" Chapman (from Dog the Bounty Hunter) and his wife/business partner Beth get a nice helping of parody in this episode. Leeroy and Earl, two members of Dog's redneck Hall Monitor crew, are modeled after actual cast members from the show as well.
Even though Cartman founded the Ginger Separatist Movement in "Ginger Kids", he seems to have lost all respect for "red power." He rips into the old ginger Hallway Monitor pretty severely. While many of the boys don't quite have a grasp on the whole sex thing, Cartman breaks it down real simple: "What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some, and then stick it inside her and pee." That is unless you don't want to get her pregnant, in which case you just "pull it out and pee on her leg." Butters shared similar sex advice with Jimmy in "Erection Day" Apparently Kyle and Ike have been back to Jewbilee camp after their adventure with Kenny and Moses in Season 3's "Jewbilee." On his bedroom desk is a framed picture of him, Ike, the Squirts, and two Elders with "Jewbilee 2002" imprinted on it.