Proper Condom Use
When the fourth graders start beating off their dogs (in the mistaken belief that they're "milking" them), their parents demand they receive sex education. The fourth-grade girls are instructed by Ms. Choksondik (who despises sex) and the boys are taught by Mr. Mackey (who hasn't had sex since he was 19).
The girls are soon convinced that the boys have to wear condoms at all times to prevent disease transmission. So the boys buy some and start wearing them. When this gets back to the parents, they decide that sex education should begin even younger -- in kindergarten. We are then treated to the spectacle of Mr. Garrison demonstrating to the kindergartenclass how to put on a condom -- by using one's mouth. Then he and the little kids review sexual positions.
The boys discover from Mr. Mackey that they don't have to wear condoms all the time -- only during sex. Feeling that the girls are the source of all disease, they square off against them in an epic after-school battle involving flamethrowers and tricked-out cars.
Meanwhile, Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik develop a sexual relationship. But their love making is broken up by the huge explosions from the kids' battlefield. Soon the town's adults break things up. Chef scolds the parents for not taking responsibility for teaching their own kids about sex. It's decided that, just perhaps, grade school isn't the best place to be introduced to the mysteries of sex..
What I Learned Today
"Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by the family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, someone who has a bad opinion of it, or even a complete pervert."
- "Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company!" (Stan's dad)
- "You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease!" (Ms. Choksondik)
- "I want you, m'kay." (Mr. Mackey)
- "It's very simple children. The right time to start having sex is 17." (Chef)
- "Come on, dog! RED ROCKET!" (Cartman)
- "Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours." (Cartman)
- "I'm pretty sure I took the penis and I what the hell did I do with the damn thing?" (Mr. Mackey)
- "I don't think ol' Mackey knows a hymen from a hysterectomy." (Chef)
- "Oh geez, I don't wanna get the AIDS, fellas!" (Butters)
- "No we can't do fingerpaints! You kids wanna get herpes?! How about a nice bucket of AIDS?!" (Mr. Garrison)
- "Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant!!" (Wendy)
The epic battle between girls and boys leaves a couple children injured, but only one dead: Kenny, who has his head sliced in half by a boomerang.
Behind The Scenes
Where Did The Idea Come From
Trey and Matt were channeling some of their anger over the STD scares of the 1980s, which they feel marred their own teenage sex lives.
Pop Culture References
When Butters, wearing a hockey mask, tells the girls in their fort to "just walk away," he's mimicking the character Humungus from The Road Warrior. This famous Mel Gibson film will also be referenced in "Eat, Prey, Queef".
Stan and Kyle torture a doll with a magnifying glass, pretending that it's Jennifer Lopez. As the doll melts, Stan shouts, "Scream for me, bitch!" They torture the same J-Lo doll in the previous episode, "Cartmanland", only that time, it was with fireworks.
The Parent's Book Club is discussing the Steinbeck novel Cannery Row. Ike was reading the same novel in "Do The Handicapped Go to Hell?" .
"For Maximus Protection" the boys buy some Gladiator 'Lil Mini's' condoms. Kenny will purchase some Big Mamba condoms in "The Ring", although his pharmacist is a lot more supportive.
Mrs. Choksondik is a virgin. And Mr. Mackey's nickname in college was: 'That guy with the really big head'.
As the credits roll, we don't hear the typical outro. Instead, we are treated to more of Mr. Garrison's kindergarten lecture on sexual positions.
This episode contains not one, but two, classic scenes that are almost impossible to watch without cringing: Cartman masturbating a dog to climax, and Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik having sex.
- e1 Scott Tenorman Must Die
- e2 It Hits the Fan
- e3 Cripple Fight
- e4 Super Best Friends
- e5 Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow
- e6 Cartmanland
- e7 Proper Condom Use
- e8 Towelie
- e9 Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants
- e10 How To Eat With Your Butt
- e11 The Entity
- e12 Here Comes the Neighborhood
- e13 Kenny Dies
- e14 Butters' Very Own Episode